Five Hints For Those Who Want To Guarantee a Divorce

So, you want to make sure that your marriage ends in divorce, huh? Well, here are some sure-fire helps.

I can’t guarantee it will work but these should set you on the road to failure.

1–Don’t work on your relationship. After all, you’re in love and everything will work out naturally. 

That lovely period preceding marriage when you “fall in love” is the stuff of legends, superhero stories, songs, movies, books—you name it.

But, if you really want a divorce, forget that this first glow is just the flower of a relationship.

The fruit talks a lot of work.

And you want to live in this constant state of “being in love.” (These last three words are said with violinsplaying in the background, flower petals floating on a warm breeze and Chanel Number Five perfume flavoring the air).

So, just decide that “real love” is a river of powerful emotion and roses. If you don’t have it, have enough “courage” to leave and look for “real love.”

2. Quit when it gets tough. And it always gets tough, so you don’t have to worry. Sometimes tough even lasts a few years. So, when it’s hard, bail out. Divorce guaranteed.

3. Go into marriage with the idea that your partner is there to make you happy. That way, when you’re not happy, you have a good excuse to quit. “I’m tired of doing what everyone else wants me to. I’m going to do what’s best for me. Too bad for that person I said I loved, my kids, my friends, and those who love me. Me! That’s who counts.”

4. And if you’re really serious about a divorce, here’s a hint. Work constantly to change the person you’re married to. Gripe at them. Ridicule them. Bully them. Pout. Scream. Manipulate. Never look at things from their point of view.

Do what it takes to make them do what you want them to, to become the person you dream of.

Note: If you want to be successful on this point you’ve got to forget that the only person in the relationship that you can change is yourself, and that is already difficult. You’re working so hard to change the other one because you’re miserable and you want them to make you happy.

Ignore your own faults and never call to mind that there was something about the other one that made you love them and caused you to marry them, even though you knew they weren’t perfect.

5. Move away from your close relationship with God. Years of counseling with people reveal one thing to me–if you want a divorce, avoid a close  relationship with God. That might be inconvenient. Grow a bit cold towards God.

Back off on your love for Him. Stay mad at Him about something so you can blame Him. That way His presence doesn’t bother you when you do marriage-killing stuff. You don’t have time to pray, read His Word and meet together with others who love Him, do you?

So, there you have it. No one can predict the future but if you do these things you should be well on your way to a divorce.

Ah, what’s that? You didn’t want to guarantee a divorce?

What did you want then? You wanted to make your marriage work?

Hmmm, that’s harder but you know what? The results are a million times more fulfilling and you even get a secret weapon to help. God is on the side of people who want to make their marriages something special.

After all He created marriage and even gave away the first bride. How does success work? Just listen.

You husbands: love your wife like Jesus loves each of us (that is “going-to-the-Cross” kind of love).

Work, even sacrifice what you want so she can grow and become all God created her to be. Wrap your arms around her when she hurts, or she feels weak or afraid. By the way you act towards her, let her know she’s the most special person in the world.

Walk next to her when you’re going somewhere… (are you reading Rachel?) Think about what would help her advance.

And ma’am? Respect him. He may not be the brightest comet in the night sky but he’s yours. Treat him like he’s Superman. Lift him up when he wants to quit. Tell him he can do it. Work like crazy so that he can do it.

Love him even more than you love your kids. Don’t always have a better idea. Let him know that you respect him. Let him know that you respect him. Let him know that you respect him.

And if you don’t respect him? You work that one out with the Lord because it’s not me who said it. The Lord started it (Ephesians 5:33—“…the wife must respect her husband.” NIV) And if he’s not respectable—which honestly would be the exception—respect the position of “husband” that God has set in place.

You know, the “How To Make Your Marriage Work” list looks a lot more attractive than the “How To Guarantee a Divorce” list.

Which list are you using to guide your life?

Can you add any ideas to the “how to guarantee a divorce list?” How about the “how to have the marriage you dreamed of list?”

Feel free to share this message with others.


Ephesians 5:21 “Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.

22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing.

So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty.

Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

29-33 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife.

No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. (The Message)


Hmmm …Don’t measure anything unless the data helps you make a better decision or change your actions. If you’re not prepared to change your diet or your workouts, don’t get on the scale.

Seth Godin

Flickr: Creative Commons John C Bullas Divorce Cakes a_005  Flickr, creative commons, Patricia van Casteren kiss