Category Archives: Marriage

Do You Look Like You Are Married?

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Do You Act Like It?

Is That Good?

 

 

 

 

One day I was watching couples at the mall. There are all kinds of couples, did you know? Now we’re going to play a game. Tell me what you think.

Here’s a couple engrossed with each other, absent from their surroundings, laughing, teasing, smiling, and enjoying each other more than they enjoy the mall.

Now, watch closely. Couple number two heads our way … walking, shopping, slightly bored. Griping. Looking in windows. Frowning. Going into shops and browsing. Splitting up to meet back somewhere.

Which one of these couples is married?

Is this good? Why or why not? Is part of it normal? Is marriage the antidote for romance?

It’s not completely normal because if there’s not that romance part, one or the other will be tempted. But it goes beyond romance. One man says that being friends is a vital part of staying together. According to him:

“To be friends with your mate means:

     * You respect her.

* You treat her like your equal when your upbringing and your own selfish ways try to convince you otherwise.

* You talk about how you feel and think about the good and bad of your life together. Continue reading →

14 Questions You Should Have Asked Before You Got Married

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So, you’re going to get married?  You mind is made up and no one can talk you out of it? Good.

God says, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favor from the Lord.” (Proverbs 18:22, NLT).  We can truthfully reverse it and say that the woman who finds a husband finds a treasure. I found my treasure 46 years ago.

I smile–most times–when I see two people marry in the Lord. A few times I didn’t smile, but I tried to be optimistic, hoping things would work things out. With the horrible divorce statistics, though, you want to launch into marriage with as many factors on your side as possible. God wants you to enjoy marriage, not endure it.

Someone asked me about preparing to take a life partner. So, I’ve decided to formulate a checklist for those serious about making the right choice for life. I’ve probably forgotten a few things because I was smarter 46 years ago when I started. But, at least I am more seasoned (like a good Thanksgiving turkey).

Consider these things before you say, “I do!” Can you suggest some others?

1-Know a man’s true heart before you give him yours, because after you marry him you will know it. Samegoes for the female side of the equation. “As a face is reflected in water, so the heart reflects the real person.” (Proverbs 27:19, NLT).

We drench our first days of knowing each other with so much aftershave and perfume that we really don’t know the person. But, as we talk, interact and watch them live, the real person peeks out from the pretended perfection.

My wife and I became friends with a family who moved to our area many years ago. We shared lots of smiles, jokes and laughter for quite a while. One night, though, he made a comment about a group of people that surprised me. It wasn’t simply prejudiced, but hate-filled. And he said it with passion.

Other very unsavory things popped up in the way he conducted himself towards those of the opposite sex. It took a while, but the real person eventually crawled out of hiding.

2-Yes, appearance is important but it’s not all. Especially at first, we’ll be attracted by the outside but it’s vital to have a relationship that based on factors deeper than good looks.

I’ve noticed my pictures have changed through the years. (Some would say they’ve deteriorated but I pay them no attention. There were the sweet smiles of childhood, attempts to smile like Elvis Presley as a young adult, and the cool and assured smiles of the older adult. Maybe at the end I’ll be smiling the close-mouthed smile of someone with no teeth. I hope not.

The point is, our physical appearance changes. You young people think you’re always going to look like that. I just laugh at you. You know what’s waiting for you? Look at you daddy and mama … and eventually your grandpa and grandma. A bit depressing isn’t it?

Your relation better be more than skin deep because the skin is going to wrinkle and maybe even expand. Continue reading →

Fried Flowers and How To Treat Your Wife

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So what’s for desert? How do flowers grab you?

Once I was invited to speak for a group during an outing to a country restaurant in the southwest of France. This restaurant specialized in dishes that seemed a bit unusual, because they were all from sources close by.

I don’t remember everything we ate, though I do seem to remember that we started with bull-nettle soup. It was all quite good, thank you, but I did have a bit of a question about the desert, which was made from large white flowers from the area. The chef fried them.

Down South we used to fry everything except flowers. You gotta draw the line somewhere.

The floral desert was okay but I don’t think they are going to put the ice-cream shop out of business.

Let’s face it: flowers are nice to look at and nice to sniff, but when it comes to food, the ones who love flowers most have four legs and go, “moo!”

Dating and Courtship

It’s a bit like that in life (not the going “moo!” part but the flower part). An air-headed young man meets a silly young woman and they “fall in love.” Actually, it’s not love yet. They fall into selfishness because each one is intoxicated with how the other makes him/her feel.

Our attention centers on ourselves, so if we can say we’ve “fallen in love,” it’s with ourselves. Our love songs should say, “Oh, how I love me!” Real love concentrates on helping and bringing joy to the other one, on advancing the object of one’s love.

You still there?

Let’s admit it, though, beauty and perfumed air draws us toward the other person like flowers draws bees. (Notice to young men: go easy on the perfumed air. If we smell you before we see you that is not good).

So we “fall in love” and we go all tingly, and hope this feeling lasts forever. If it starts to wear thin, we drop that person and look for another who gives us the loving feeling and we do it over and over because that emotion is like a drug. I think most young ladies between the ages of 14 and 18 fall in love at least five times.

The problem is that some people are still hopping from relationship to relationship, chasing that feeling at 50. Most people who think they have fallen in love care about themselves. That’s why Artetha Franklin sings, “You make me feel like a natural woman.”

(What is a natural woman? Aren’t they all natural in their own way?)

Apples Are Better Than Apple Blossoms

It’s like eating flowers. Apple blossoms are nice to look at and nice to smell but there is no fruit there. Love is the fruit and fruit takes time.

When we really fall in love the focus shifts from us and the way we feel to the other person. We care about them. So, when people fall out of love and move on to another relationship, they’re just munching on flowers. It’s a shame, because the fruit is so much more nourishing if they had just waited and worked on the relationship.

When you pass from how you feel to how the object of your love feels, from what’s best for you to what’s best for them, you’re finally falling in love with them. Until then you’re in love with yourself.

Jesus shows us how it’s done.

“Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife. No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband.” (Eph. 5:25-33, The Message).

Flowers anyone? No, I think I’ll order the fruit. Takes a bit longer and it’s not always so tangy but it’s nourishing!

Hummm …

“People sometimes wonder why I’ve taken this column in a spiritual and moral direction of late. It’s in part because we won’t have social repair unless we are more morally articulate, unless we have clearer definitions of how we should be behaving at all levels.

“History is full of examples of moral revival, when social chaos was reversed, when behavior was tightened and norms reasserted. It happened in England in the 1830s and in the U.S. amid economic stress in the 1930s. It happens through organic communal effort, with voices from everywhere saying gently: This we praise. This we don’t.” David Brooks writing in the New York Times

Images: flickr, creative commons, Jennie Ivins Fried Egg Breakfast Felt Ornament; ccharmon

 

 

Three More Ways To Shoot Your Marriage In the Foot

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foot

Several years ago an agent of the Drug Enforcement Administration was lecturing a group of kids about gun safety. As he was saying that he was the only one there professional enough to handle a Glock, he shot himself in the foot (or the thigh according to which account you read).

Michael Quinion reports a sobering event recorded in the Appleton Crescent newspaper of August 1857, “Mr. Darriel S. Leo, Consul to Basle, accidentally shot himself through the foot, four or five days ago, in a pistol gallery at Washington, and died on Sunday of lockjaw.” (http://www.worldwidewords.org/qa/qa-sho4.htm)

People have been shooting themselves in the foot for a long time. But the phrase has taken on another sense in more recent years. According to the Free Dictionary the phrase means, “to do or say something that causes problems for you.” (The Free Dictionary)

Last week I talked about ways to guarantee a divorce. But, those five aren’t the only ways to cause your marriage to flop. Here are three more ways to shoot your marriage in the foot:

1.    Use sex as a tool to manipulate your partner.

Intimacy in marriage isn’t an exchange for getting our way. 

Yes, there are times when we really do have a headache, but if your head hurts thirty days in a month, you better get that checked out. It could be mortal—mortal to your marriage too. Continue reading →

Five Hints For Those Who Want To Guarantee a Divorce

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So, you want to make sure that your marriage ends in divorce, huh? Well, here are some sure-fire helps.

I can’t guarantee it will work but these should set you on the road to failure.

1–Don’t work on your relationship. After all, you’re in love and everything will work out naturally. 

That lovely period preceding marriage when you “fall in love” is the stuff of legends, superhero stories, songs, movies, books—you name it.

But, if you really want a divorce, forget that this first glow is just the flower of a relationship.

The fruit talks a lot of work.

And you want to live in this constant state of “being in love.” (These last three words are said with violinsplaying in the background, flower petals floating on a warm breeze and Chanel Number Five perfume flavoring the air).

So, just decide that “real love” is a river of powerful emotion and roses. If you don’t have it, have enough “courage” to leave and look for “real love.”

2. Quit when it gets tough. And it always gets tough, so you don’t have to worry. Sometimes tough even lasts a few years. So, when it’s hard, bail out. Divorce guaranteed.

3. Go into marriage with the idea that your partner is there to make you happy. That way, when you’re not happy, you have a good excuse to quit. “I’m tired of doing what everyone else wants me to. I’m going to do what’s best for me. Too bad for that person I said I loved, my kids, my friends, and those who love me. Me! That’s who counts.”

4. And if you’re really serious about a divorce, here’s a hint. Work constantly to change the person you’re married to. Gripe at them. Ridicule them. Bully them. Pout. Scream. Manipulate. Never look at things from their point of view.

Do what it takes to make them do what you want them to, to become the person you dream of.

Note: If you want to be successful on this point you’ve got to forget that the only person in the relationship that you can change is yourself, and that is already difficult. You’re working so hard to change the other one because you’re miserable and you want them to make you happy.

Ignore your own faults and never call to mind that there was something about the other one that made you love them and caused you to marry them, even though you knew they weren’t perfect.

5. Move away from your close relationship with God. Years of counseling with people reveal one thing to me–if you want a divorce, avoid a close  relationship with God. That might be inconvenient. Grow a bit cold towards God.

Back off on your love for Him. Stay mad at Him about something so you can blame Him. That way His presence doesn’t bother you when you do marriage-killing stuff. You don’t have time to pray, read His Word and meet together with others who love Him, do you?

So, there you have it. No one can predict the future but if you do these things you should be well on your way to a divorce.

Ah, what’s that? You didn’t want to guarantee a divorce?

What did you want then? You wanted to make your marriage work?

Hmmm, that’s harder but you know what? The results are a million times more fulfilling and you even get a secret weapon to help. God is on the side of people who want to make their marriages something special.

After all He created marriage and even gave away the first bride. How does success work? Just listen.

You husbands: love your wife like Jesus loves each of us (that is “going-to-the-Cross” kind of love).

Work, even sacrifice what you want so she can grow and become all God created her to be. Wrap your arms around her when she hurts, or she feels weak or afraid. By the way you act towards her, let her know she’s the most special person in the world.

Walk next to her when you’re going somewhere… (are you reading Rachel?) Think about what would help her advance.

And ma’am? Respect him. He may not be the brightest comet in the night sky but he’s yours. Treat him like he’s Superman. Lift him up when he wants to quit. Tell him he can do it. Work like crazy so that he can do it.

Love him even more than you love your kids. Don’t always have a better idea. Let him know that you respect him. Let him know that you respect him. Let him know that you respect him.

And if you don’t respect him? You work that one out with the Lord because it’s not me who said it. The Lord started it (Ephesians 5:33—“…the wife must respect her husband.” NIV) And if he’s not respectable—which honestly would be the exception—respect the position of “husband” that God has set in place.

You know, the “How To Make Your Marriage Work” list looks a lot more attractive than the “How To Guarantee a Divorce” list.

Which list are you using to guide your life?

Can you add any ideas to the “how to guarantee a divorce list?” How about the “how to have the marriage you dreamed of list?”

Feel free to share this message with others.

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Ephesians 5:21 “Out of respect for Christ, be courteously reverent to one another.

22-24 Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing.

So just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.

25-28 Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty.

Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor—since they’re already “one” in marriage.

29-33 No one abuses his own body, does he? No, he feeds and pampers it. That’s how Christ treats us, the church, since we are part of his body. And this is why a man leaves father and mother and cherishes his wife.

No longer two, they become “one flesh.” This is a huge mystery, and I don’t pretend to understand it all. What is clearest to me is the way Christ treats the church. And this provides a good picture of how each husband is to treat his wife, loving himself in loving her, and how each wife is to honor her husband. (The Message)

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Hmmm …Don’t measure anything unless the data helps you make a better decision or change your actions. If you’re not prepared to change your diet or your workouts, don’t get on the scale.

Seth Godin

Flickr: Creative Commons John C Bullas Divorce Cakes a_005  Flickr, creative commons, Patricia van Casteren kiss